>> Puts me in mind of the joke (with many, MANY apologies to European listers
>> - -- all in fun :^) --
>> What's a European's idea of heaven? It's where the English are the police,
>> the French are the cooks, the Swiss are the bankers, the Italians are the
>> lovers, and the Germans are the engineers.
>>
>> What's a European's idea of hell? It's where the English are the cooks, the
>> French are the engineers, the Swiss are the lovers, the Italians are the
>> bankers, and the Germans are the police.
>>
>> Flame away . . .
>>
>> Mark Moburg
>> markmoburg@mindspring.com
>>
>
>On automotive engineering:
>If a component requires 4 fasteners to hold it together:
>The English will use 4.
>Italians and French will use 3.
>Germans will use 5 (removable grade 8 hardware).
>The Japanese will make it out of plastic and it will work fine.
The English will use 4 fasteners - all of different threads without lock
washers. Each of these will require the need for a long thin spanner and a
great deal of patience to remove or replace. The part will be located in
such a way that it is exposed to the maximum corrosion available and will
be accessible only by removing something particularly greasy, rusted or
frustrating.
The French and Italians will make the part out of stamped .28 gauge steel
where a casting would be required. It will be retained by three fasteners
each of which is a wing nut. The fasteners will be anchored in a stamped
metal strip held on by two pop rivets. It will be located on the firewall
or inner fender and will come pre-rusted.
The German part will be made of cast aluminum with nicely machined fins.
It will be attached to a forged steel mount and cleverly mounted inside a
steamlined baffle designed to tidy up the appearance of the engine
compartment. It will be retained by 5 Grade 8 fasteners each of which will
have a specific and critical torque setting. Removal will require the use
of the factory tool only. Refitting will be impossible and will require
the replacement of the entire unit by an upgrade.
The Japanese part will be made of plastic retained by a patented plastic
clip which is attached to the inner fender in a series of similar parts.
It will have a stick-on foil label explaining in Japanese that the part is
not to be repaired. A new part will cost more than the German part, 5
times as much as the Italian or French part, and more than the entire
British vehicle.
The car will run badly without the British part however the owner will not
notice after drinking a pint of bitter. The owner will quite enjoy the bad
performance after an additional pint preferably of Guiness. The Italian and
French cars will run with complete indifference which will be replaced by a
jaded curiosity if 1 litre of red wine is added to the fuel tank.
The German car will not run and the part will send a message to the
manufacturer via a hidden computer link/transmitter that the car has been
disabled. The dealer will arrive with a tow truck, rental car and a large
bill. The consolation bottle of schnapps will be included in the bill.
The Japanese part will activate a hidden on-board timer which will result
in the collapse of the entire vehicle exactly five years after the date of
manufacture. The collapse will signal the Japanese Autocrusher Union to
come and collect the remains, while the owner is offered a discount on the
purchase of a new car over a ceremonial cup of sake.
Finally, the American car will have eliminated the need for the part in
question over 30 years ago.
John McEwen
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