Keith
Some new hints for the Bama book of automotive fix it crap. I am sure you
can relate to some of this stuff. Think maybe it may have come across the
pond from Malcolm Pittwood or some other right side driver type.
Glen
----- Original Message -----
From: "Eckweiler, Robert W" <Robert.Eckweiler@West.Boeing.com>
To: "Snyder, James M" <James.Snyder@West.Boeing.com>; "'Skinner, Richard
(home)'" <retricver@aol.com>; "'Konechy, Ken (home)'"
<kkonechy@pacbell.net>; "Johnson, Robert W"
<Robert.Johnson7@West.Boeing.com>; "Hennessy, John F"
<John.HennessyJr@West.Boeing.com>; "'Flajole, Bill (home)'"
<megabaud@aol.com>; "'Dodd, Eric (home)'" <egdodd@earthlink.com>; "Kisska,
Michael K" <Michael.Kisska@West.Boeing.com>; "'Barrett, Glen (home)'"
<speedtimer@charter.net>
Sent: Friday, November 16, 2001 3:58 PM
Subject: FW: real world translations for Haynes' notes.
>
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: DeMund, John E
> > Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 8:09 AM
> > To: Hildreth, Howard R; 'Jennie'; Brown, Joe B; Herbert, Keith B;
> > Eckweiler, Robert W; Stueber, Robert M
> > Subject: FW: real world translations for Haynes' notes.
> >
> >
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: McElroy, Warren A
> > Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2001 1:24 PM
> > To: DeMund, John E
> > Subject: FW: real world translations for Haynes' notes.
> >
> >
> > Don't know this particular book myself, I don't have a motorcycle. . .
> > but doesn't this general type seem familiar??
> >
> >
> >
> > Here is a listing of real world conversions for Haynes' notes.
> >
> > Haynes: Rotate counter-clockwise.
> > c: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with hammer counter-
> > clockwise.
> >
> > Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> > Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
> >
> > Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> > Translation: Not a hope in hell Buddy!
> >
> > Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> > Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
> > you
> > are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
> >
> > Haynes: Pry...
> > Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
> >
> > Haynes: Undo...
> > Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
> >
> > Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> > Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out!"
> >
> > Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> > Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now retrieve some good
pliers
> > to
> > dig out the metal base part.
> >
> > Haynes: Lightly...
> > Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
> > forehead
> > are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be
'lightly'.
> >
> > Haynes: Weekly checks...
> > Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
> >
> > Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> > Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
> >
> > Haynes: One spanner rating.
> > Translation: Your Mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch
> > it
> > up?
> >
> > Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> > Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low,
> > tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the
> > wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would
have
> > been more use to you).
> >
> > Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> > Translation: But bikes are easy to maintain right ... right?
> >
> > Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> > Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
> >
> > Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> > Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
> >
> > Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> > Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> >
> > Haynes: Compress...
> > Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
> > throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark
> > corner of the garage for while muttering profanities under your breath.
> >
> > Haynes: Inspect...
> > Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are
> > looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to
> > your wife "Yep, just as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
> >
> > Haynes: Carefully...
> > Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
> >
> > Haynes: Retaining nut...
> > Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
> >
> > Haynes: Get an assistant...
> > Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
> >
> > Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
> > Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder.
> >
> > Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence of removal.
> > Translation: ...but you swear in different places.
> >
> > Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
> > Translation: Snap off...
> >
> > Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> > Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
> >
> > Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> > Translation: Ensure you have an VISA card and mobile phone
> >
> > Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> > Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
> >
> > Haynes: Index
> > Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
to
> > do!
> >
> > For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the
> > bit about hydrofluoric acid - do you really want the
> > advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?
> >
> > Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
> > these
> > two pages say to yourself over and over until it
> > sinks in "mine will never look like that..."
> >
> > NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist.
> > END.....
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