> > During taxi, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
> > made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The
> > irate ground controller (female) lashed out at the US Air crew
> > screaming, "USAir 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn
> > right onto Charlie taxi way; you turned onto Delta! Stop right
> > there!
> > I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get
> > it right!!" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she
> > was now shouting, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take
> > forever to sort this out!!! You stay right there and don't move
> > until I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
> > about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when
> > I tell you, and how I tell you!!! You got that, USAir 2771??"
> >
> > The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am." Naturally, the ground
> > control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing
> > of USAir 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller
> > in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at La Guardia was
> > running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of
> > the USAir crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
> > "La Guardia ground, wasn't I married to you once?"
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
> > speed just a little too high.
> >
> > San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If
> > not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right
>at
> > the light to return to the airport."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
> > vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
> >
> > KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
> > o'clock and three miles."
> >
> > Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
> >
> > KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
> > o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
> >
> > Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
> > "Well...we've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a
> > Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Tower: "Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7."
> >
> > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
> > after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
> > the runway."
> >
> > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff; did you copy the
> > report from Eastern?"
> >
> > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and
> > roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker
> > F-27, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
> >
> > United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
> > Fokker in sight."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
> > lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location
> > but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
> > with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the
> > following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
> > Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
> > of the active runway."
> >
> > Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
> >
> > The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
> > to a stop.
> >
> > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
> > location now."
> >
> > Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never
> > flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of
> > carrier ... but I didn't have time to stop."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in
> > Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the
> > junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
> > Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> >
> > Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> >
> > Luft (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> > Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> >
> > Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you
> > lost the bloody war, you damn dumbkopf!"
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