To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.
On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your
new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you
have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have
decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic
republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered
a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
"aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common
usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention
of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to
the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point
we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that
the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an
American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to
thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting
collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original
edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called
Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic.
(Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock,
Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full
Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But
one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse.
However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work
on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem
has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule
Britannia ditty, it's toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt
"Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament
without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best
food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the
culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you
finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to
cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious
error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second
problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it
to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like
Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
soap operas.
P.S. - Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
|