I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> place
> on
> > December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
> Pit
> > Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
> band
> > playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
> > surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
> >
> >
> > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> > DATE: December 2
> > RE: Christmas Party
> >
> > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees.
> > We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
> coincides
> with
> > Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
> we're
> > calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
> employees
> who
> > are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
> >
> >
> > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> > DATE: December 3
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> > requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
> happy
> to
> > accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads
> "AA
> > Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
> > this?
> > Somebody?
> >
> >
> > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> > DATE: December 7
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> the
> > Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex
> during
> > daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
> how
> a
> > luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
> employees'
> > beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until
> the
> end
> of
> > the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
> package
> > everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
> > Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
> farthest
> > from the
> > dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> > restrooms. Did I miss anything?
> >
> >
> > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> > DATE: December 8
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
> do,
> a
> > tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
> burning
> > of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll
> try
> to
> > accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
> band=C7?=B6=BD=C7=BDf??=B6=AA=C7=BDf??=B6=BDs
> > breaks. Okay???
> >
> >
> > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> > Date: December 9
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
> dress
> up
> > like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
> > "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little
> > man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
> Halloween
> > or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
> > Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
> >
> >
> > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> > DATE: December 10
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
> keep
> this
> > party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so
> you
> can
> > sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> so
> > quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
> > hydroponics tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too.
> > Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
> > I'm hearing them scream right now!
> >
> >
> > FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> > DATE: December 14
> > RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
> >
> > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
> recovery
> from
> > her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
> to
> her
> > at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
> cancel
> > our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
> with
> > full pay. >> >>
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