>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to
> locate expensive parts not far from the object one is trying to
> hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your
> front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and
> motorcycle jackets.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age, but
> it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just
> above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into
> a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> influence its course, the more warped and skewed
> the outcome.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various
> flammable objects in your garage
> unintendedly. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
> drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used
> mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
> searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
> it smacks you in the chest and flings your iced tea across the
> room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
> you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
> somewhere under the workbench with the speed
> of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
> calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Ouc...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
> after you have installed your new
> front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
> front fender.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
> upward off a hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used
> mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes and is ten times harder than any
> known drill bit. It has the unusual property of spontaneously
> bonding to the parent metal upon fracture, thus
> making it impossible to be extracted itself.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup on the crankshaft pulley.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of ground straps,
> brake lines, and small wires you may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an
> accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
> acid from a car battery to the inside
> of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
> doornail, just as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop light, it is a good source of
> vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found
> under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
> it's main purpose is to consume light bulbs at about the same rate
> that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
> often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading. It has the unusual propensity of constantly orienting
> itself to where it blinds you more than illuminating
> the dark area you're trying to see.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
> your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
> Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
> transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
> Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
> last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds
> them off.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to
> replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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