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Redneck Etiquette (too good to wait 'till friday)

To: healeys@autox.team.net
Subject: Redneck Etiquette (too good to wait 'till friday)
From: Warthodson@aol.com
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 10:19:52 EST
 SOCIAL TIPS FOR REDNECKS

 General

 1. Never take a beer to an interview.
 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting.
 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
 5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude  to 
drive a U-haul to the funeral.

 Wine Advice

 1. When decanting  wine, hold the box securely, tilt the paper cup, and pour 
slowly so as not to bruise the essence..
 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with both  hands.

 Entertaining in your home

 1. A centerpiece for your table should not be prepared by a  taxidermist.
 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners 
are.

 Personal Hygiene 

 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in 
private, using one's own truck keys.
 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
 3. Use of proper toiletries can  delay bathing for several days.
 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no; it may alter the 
taste of finger  foods.

 Dating (outside the family)

 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go 
out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two
 years ago."
 3 Ask her parents what time she is expected back. If the answer is "Monday," 
it is your responsibility to get her to school on time.

 Theater Etiquette

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately  
after the movie has ended
 2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have  proven 
that they can't hear you.

 Weddings

 1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
 3. The groom should rent a tux. Wearing jeans with a  cummerbund and a clean 
bowling shirt is a fashion faux pas.
 4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special  
occasion.

 Driving Etiquette 

 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is  loaded 
and the deer is in sight.
 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does 
not always have the right of way.
 3. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to 
ask her to bring back beer as well.
 4. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.




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