I have to agree...
http://videogum.com/archives/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-o-26_025981.html
The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Driven
Who suggested Driven? Who was it? SHOW YOURSELF! You should all be
ashamed. Sure, we're all having a good time talking about these
terrible movies and oh ha ha, isn't it funny how Gabe is such a jerk
and he was to watch them and he's so stupid and I hate him and wish
he would fall down some stairs. But there's a point where it's not
funny anymore, and that point is when we're talking about Driven. To
paraphrase Sarah Palin, there is a special place in hell for whoever
made me watch this movie.
Driven is about a young race car driver, Jimmy Bly, who is supposed
to be the best race car driver, but lately he's been losing his edge,
so Burt Reynolds calls up Sylvester Stallone and is like "I need you
to be a race car driver some more," and Sylvester Stallone is like "I
am working on a race car in my barn, that's how you know that I am a
serious driver." In their first race together on Team Burt Reynolds,
Burt Reynolds uses Sylvester Stallone to get in the way of another
driver, Beau Brandenburg, so that Jimmy Bly can win. Everyone is
happy. Jimmy steals Beau's girlfriend. But then Beau steals his
girlfriend back and turns her into his wife. And then Jimmy Bly is
bad at racing again and his brother who is also his manager is like
"I'm selling you down the river," and Burt Reynolds is like "We're
all selling you down the river, Jimmy Bly," and it looks like things
are over for Jimmy Bly. Meanwhile, Sylvester Stallone's ex wife Gina
Gershon is an asshole. In the final race Jimmy Bly gets one last
chance to prove what he's made of or else it's down the river he
goes, and at one point it looks like he's going to lose, but then
later he wins. Someone opens champagne.
There are two things keeping this wretched piece of gasoline-scented
nonsense from conclusively winning the title of Worst Movie of All Time:
1. It lacks the failed ambition that I think is the true Hallmark of
the most terrible movie. A bad action movie is a bad action movie is
a bad action movie. If you're dealing in superficials, then your
mistakes are superficial. Granted, Driven is filled with some
UNBEARABLE MISTAKES. But more importantly...
2. It's not really a movie.
Driven is not a movie. It's almost two hours long, it has movie stars
in it, and you watch it on DVD, but it's not a movie. I don't know
what it is, I only know what it is not. Take, for example, this clip.
Yes, it is long, but eight minutes is a small trade off for the other
108 you're saiving.
Now, did you notice how that was FUCKING AWFUL? But if you'll look a
little closer, you'll notice a couple of other things. For one, the
music NEVER STOPS. The whole movie, there is always music playing,
and it's always a little too loud. You have to strain to hear every
word of dialogue. Well, you don't have to, I guess. You could sit
back and just enjoy the great jams. (You could not sit back and just
enjoy the great jams.) It is also of note that all of the race car
drivers except for Jimmy Bly and Sylvester Stallone are gay German
porn actors. Admittedly, I'm not a racing fan, so maybe that's
accurate. Perhaps everyone in NASCAR is a gay German porn actor.
There's simply no way for us to know whether or not that's true.
Perhaps my favorite part of the whole
whatever-Driven-is-because-it's-not-a-movie was the dramatic final
race. Jimmy Bly has one final chance to show that he has what it
takes to be the best in the world. For a little while, he's doing
well, but he starts to have a flame out near the end of the race,
which is when his one true friend, Sylvester Stallone, comes to save
him. He drives with what were are told is the greatest skills, and
eventually damages his car but not before buying Jimmy Bly enough
time to pull into the lead. Kind of. Actually, him and the gay German
porn racer are neck and neck, and Jimmy wins by a photo finish.
That's how we know he's a true champion. Because only a true champion
has to have his friend come in and bail him out and even still only
barely wins. Behind every legendary hero there is a story of
constant, anti-climactic near failure. Although I was probably
unimpressed with his tremendous victory only because I'd already seen
him succeed when it came time for the dramatic 10 hops.
Dramatic hops! Can he get to 10? Sylvester Stallone is like "See? See
those hops? Now what."
This movie was unacceptable. It is definitely the winner of the Hunt
for the Worst Sports-Based Action Movie and Maybe Just Action Movie
of All Time, and solidly in the top 5 of our general search. And you
guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
_______________________________________________
Support Team.Net http://www.team.net/donate.html
http://www.fot-racing.com
Fot mailing list
Fot@autox.team.net
http://autox.team.net/mailman/listinfo/fot
|