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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty =
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates f=
or President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective imm=
ediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary=
.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties ove=
r all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which sh=
e does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America=
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulate=
d next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules=
are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' '=
labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' witho=
ut skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the=
suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to=
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such a=
s ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communi=
cation. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know =
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into a=
ccount the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, o=
r therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows t=
hat you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for =
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or spea=
king to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more d=
angerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you=
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start =
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will =
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion table=
s. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calli=
ng gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries ar=
e not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are p=
roperly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and d=
ressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually bee=
r at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as bee=
r, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to =
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for poun=
d the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.=
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.=
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that a=
ll can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good =
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play Englis=
h characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Wedd=
ings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with=
a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of pro=
per football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, =
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,=
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing f=
ull kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host a=
n event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of A=
merica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borde=
rs, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the stin=
g out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Gover=
nment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due =
(backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers=
, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus stra=
wberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor=
)!
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<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">To the citizens of the Un=
ited States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II<o:p></=
o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D"><o:p> </o:p></span><=
/p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">In light of your failure =
in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA a=
nd thus to govern yourselves,<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">we hereby give notice of =
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should loo=
k up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">Her Sovereign Majesty Que=
en Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealt=
hs, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does
not fancy).<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">Your new Prime Minister, =
David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for fur=
ther elections.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">Congress and the Senate w=
ill be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine =
whether any of you noticed.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">To aid in the transition =
to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with imme=
diate effect:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">-----------------------<o=
:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">1. The letter 'U' will be=
reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' =
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-i=
se.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable=
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">------------------------<=
o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">2. Using the same twenty-=
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' =
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your=
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account =
the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'<o:p></o:p></span>=
</p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">-------------------<o:p><=
/o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">3. July 4th will no longe=
r be celebrated as a holiday.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">-----------------<o:p></o=
:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">4. You will learn to reso=
lve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact th=
at you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting g=
rouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a =
therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">----------------------<o:=
p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">5. Therefore, you will no=
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable=
peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">----------------------<o:=
p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">6. All intersections will=
be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side =
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both r=
oundabouts and metrication will help you<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">understand the British se=
nse of humour.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">--------------------<o:p>=
</o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">7. The former USA will ad=
opt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $=
10/US gallon. Get used to it.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">-------------------<o:p><=
/o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">8. You will learn to make=
real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and tho=
se things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed =
not with catsup but with vinegar.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">-------------------<o:p><=
/o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">9. The cold, tasteless st=
uff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, onl=
y proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lag=
er. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the =
greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They =
are also part of the British Commonwealth
- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Fr=
ozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusio=
n.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">---------------------<o:p=
></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">10. Hollywood will be req=
uired occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also=
be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Fu=
neral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese gra=
ter.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">---------------------<o:p=
></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">11. You will cease playin=
g American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it=
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does =
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar=
body armour like a bunch of nancies).<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">---------------------<o:p=
></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">12. Further, you will sto=
p playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World =
Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, you=
r error is understandable. You will learn<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">cricket, and we will let =
you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries=
.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">--------------------<o:p>=
</o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">13. You must tell us who =
killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">-----------------<o:p></o=
:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">14. An internal revenue a=
gent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you sh=
ortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">---------------<o:p></o:p=
></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">15. Daily Tea Time begins=
promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with hi=
gh quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries
(with cream) when in season.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D"><o:p> </o:p></span><=
/p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">God Save the Queen!<o:p><=
/o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D"><o:p> </o:p></span><=
/p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D">PS: Only share this with =
friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=3D"MsoNormal"><span style=3D"font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Ca=
libri","sans-serif";color:#1F497D"><o:p> </o:p></span><=
/p>
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--===============0607406574==--
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