Natural Laws of British Sports Cars
As the owner of an British vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from
time to time, the thing defies all knows laws of Physics. Distinguished
researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to
understand such phenomena. Recently, the Five Laws of British Sports Cars
were discovered, thus reducing most owners' dependency on sorcerers and
prayer to keep such cars running.
Careless application of these laws to any individual auto may fix the
problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.
The Law of Non-Functional Apparatus
"All British Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system
or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall
never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an
out-of-focus picture shown."
It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances
be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.
The Law of Electrical Chaos
"All British Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed,
color-blind Lucas worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All
wires shall change color-code at least once between energy source and
component. All grounds shall be partially insulated."
This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be
intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace
out each wire, and then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ
from all others in at least one area.
The Law of Personal Abuse
"The more a British auto breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its
increasingly irrational owner."
For example, you purchase an British Sports car, for all the money you ever
hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from
the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return
trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves,
cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of
ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the
radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odor reminiscent of
a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God
help you.
The Law of Unavailable Parts
"All parts of a British sports car shall be made of a material that is
available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life."
Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled
steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight
by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts
will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so
forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.
The Law of Cryptic Instructions
"Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of
a British sports car, shall be written such that every fourth word is
incomprehensible to the average American. In the event that a random
sentence is understandable, its information shall be wrong."
This is also known as flat-tire English, where a sentence flows along
nicely, then-Kaboom!
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