Some of us just suck for a little bit longer than the others
----- Original Message -----
From: Kelly, Katie <kkelly@spss.com>
To: <ba-autox@autox.team.net>
Sent: Tuesday, September 05, 2000 7:10 PM
Subject: We All Sucked
> Boys and Girls,
>
> As we gear up for this Mallardfest, and change the topic, I'd just like to
> say one last thing, that should hopefully make most everyone feel a lot
> better.
>
> And this thing that I want to tell you is, especially if you've just
> started, and you're feeling intimidated, that we all sucked at one point
or
> another.
>
> A couple of years ago, I got to bear witness to one of the most painful
> sites of my life: a videotape of me autocrossing when I was about 19 years
> old.
>
> My memories of myself were so much different. I was "serious." Yeah, I
> seriously sucked. The event was at Golden Gate Fields. In this video, you
> see people like Howard Wolf just tearing out of the start box. I don't
know
> what I was thinking, but it was like, um, I was moving in slow motion or
> something. Hello.
>
> Well, I didn't really. I was also a lot harder on myself then. Do any
others
> out there feel the same thing? You start off, you notice that maybe you
have
> this natural knack, you're improving like mad, and then BLAM, you hit this
> brick wall? This brick wall, for me, lasted several years.
>
> Unfortunately, or maybe the opposite, I wasn't on team.net back then, so
all
> I could do was internalize this agony, and of course cry to my mom, who'd
> then say, "Would you PUHLEASE shut up. It's just an autocross."
>
> At that time, I believed it was always somebody else's fault for my slow
> driving. I was walking around asking everyone for help, hoping for that
one
> answer that would make something click in my head, and suddenly, I'd be
> really fast. I'd walk the course with anyone and everyone, pining for this
> secret information.
>
> Only, no one was telling me anything. It was really, really frustrating. I
> cannot describe it. And it was never my own fault. Somebody was
withholding
> the information from me.
>
> I was seriously sitting in the van, crying. "Why am I so SLOW?!" I'd
scream
> at my mom, because as you know, it's always Mother's fault. I was a total
> brat.
>
> So, I quit, for like three years. My mom made me do it. I could only run
> during Christmas vacation, and in the summer time. I was just too
obnoxious
> to be around.
>
> I was taking all these acting classes, you know, the kind where you make
> yourself believe you're a tree in front of a room filled with people, and
> they're all judging how well you're believing you're a tree, and a lot of
> their criticisms are harsh. One of the books we had to read was "The Inner
> Game of Tennis," the one I just read again as recommended by Rich Urschel.
I
> learned how to focus not on the result, but the moment in and of itself.
Our
> teacher was just really into that stuff. I learned how to apply this to
> everything, not just autocross.
>
> Anyway, when I came back to autocross, I came back with this whole new
> enthusiasm. Well, for one, no matter how slow I thought I was, I was still
a
> lot better at autocrossing than I was at swimming and acting. So what I
told
> myself was this: I might be slow, but it's OKAY that I'm slow, because I
> know that as long as I'm enjoying these kind of primal feelings, like the
> sound of the exhaust, and the grip of the steering wheel, and the wheels
> rolling on the ground, I know that maybe I won't be as slow I was I was
the
> weekend before, and that's really all that matters.
>
> I've just been thinking that way, going through these ups and downs, ever
> since. It's just been this really long process. Sometimes, things have
been
> really great, and other times, really, really depressing. But I need the
> depressing times to appreciate the times that are so great.
>
> And it really all comes to something the late Bob Laird told me. I was
> sixteen years old, and we were at our annual Solo II banquet. For some
> reason, he felt prompted to tell me that EVERYONE, when they started, felt
> foolish and embarassed. I have no idea why he would even think to tell me
> this, but I guess he just sensed my fear. Not a single person in that room
> didn't feel nervous or embarassed or intimidated, he said. It's something
> everyone went through. I found it really hard to believe. Like, okay, so
> you're telling me Dan Cole, National Champion, looked like a fool at his
> first autocross. Okay, whatever.
>
> Anyway, it's just true. I don't know how much any of this matters to any
of
> you, but I'm glad it's something I went through. Everyone before me went
> through it, too. It wasn't until several years later that someone started
> talking like that sort of humbling experience was something "bad." It's
like
> they were equating finishing low as some sort of "failure." Like the so
many
> women who think, oh no, I can't run in the Open class. I might lose! But
if
> you learn something from it, then it's not a failure. When you do get
> through that brick wall, I've heard it's a really good feeling. :)
>
> Okay, back to the Mallardfest. We have determined that the traffic won't
be
> that bad from the southbay, so very few of you have any sort of excuse
> whatsoever.
>
> Katie
>
>
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