Let the Christmas foolishness begin!
A Letter From Santa!
>I regret to inform you that effective immediately I will no longer serve
>the states of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida,
>Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, and Arkansas on Christmas
>Eve.
>Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
>renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As
>part of my new contract I will also get longer breaks for milk and
>cookies so keep that in mind.
>However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
>local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
>side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
>delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However there are a
>few differences between us, such as:
>1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
>Claus. He has a gun rack on his
>sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and
>Wesson."
>2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
>an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
>doesn't smoke pipe. He dips a little snuff so please have an empty spit
>can handy.
>3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
>instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
>reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
>4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba
>Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
>Elliott and Petty."
>5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
>likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
>6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
>Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
>7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
>and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
>area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
>the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
>state patrol cars crashing into each other.
>And Finally ...
>8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that
>you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
>presents under the tree.
>Sincerely Yours,
>Santa Claus
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