The SCCA has just announced the location and format for the year 2000 Solo II
National Championships. The new format is designed to please every driver,
and give every car/driver combination a completely equal chance to win. SCCA
has also managed to eliminate any unfair advantage due to all circumstances,
both foreseen and unforeseen.
Through newly acquired sponsorship and newly introduced technology the event
will, for the first time, be completely successful at making the world a fair
and happy place for each and every person who wishes to compete.
The first change is the location. In the year 2000, the event will be held
within 1 mile of the home of every Solo II driver in the country, in order to
eliminate the need to travel. Anyone who is unable to make the 1 mile trip
will be transported there free of charge by the National Office.
The date will also be chosen so as not to conflict with any competitor's
personal schedule. To accomplish this, SCCA will be contacting every person
living in North America, whether they are Solo II competitors or not. All
other activities, World-Wide, will be halted for the week of the event so as
to free up everyone who wishes to attend. This includes, but is not limited
to, all unforeseen accidents and medical problems, the schedules of every
living human being, the starting of all schools, and all child births.
SCCA is also working closely all governments and employers in existence to
deem the Solo II National Championships a national holiday. Part of this
agreement will require all employers to give competitors the time off, with
pay, so they will be able to attend. As a side note, anyone who informs their
employer that they compete in Solo II will be given a raise sufficient to
make their year of competition affordable.
Through the SCCA's newest and most impressive sponsor ever, God, all weather
will be perfect for the event. The weather provided will be rain-free, 70
degree days with a 2 to 5 mph breeze to keep the air fresh and pleasant.
Humidity level will be perfect, as well. At night, after the event site has
been vacated, a light rain will wash the course surface clean, and free of
any debris. A light breeze will then dry the surfaces by the next day.
Amazingly, all course markings will be preserved and perfectly visible at all
times.
Also through the sponsorship agreement with God, all damaged areas on the
course surfaces will heal prior to the following driver's run. This will
assure a perfect course, at all times, for every driver.
Starting no later than January 1, 2000, specially chosen cult leaders will
visit each and every family in existence. The purpose of these visits will be
to program an irreversible and strong love of autocrossing into every living
human being. This will certainly eliminate the problems so many drivers have
with families who do not live and breathe our beloved sport. Anyone who does
not conform will be killed.
The last problem that SCCA has been able to overcome is that of vehicle and
driver differences. For the year 2000 season, SCCA announces that every car
and every driver will now be equally competitive. This should solve the
never-ending problem of some cars not being nationally competitive in their
class, as well as some drivers having to compete against "ringers" in their
respective class. To accomplish this, every car/driver combination will be
given their own class. Also, in the event that a driver DNF's every run, they
will be allowed to be an honorary class winner.
Incidentally, it has already been pointed out to the Solo Events Board that
there are still likely to be some drivers who will not be able to trophy in
their own, private class, under these new rules. The SCCA is working hard to
address this problem and should find a way to overcome this situation by the
end of this year.
The final change will be made to course design. The SCCA has developed a new,
perfect course design. It will be ideal in every way to every car/driver
combination, and will not favor anyone over another. Look for course maps on
the official SCCA website by December.
Lastly, the Solo Events Board guarantees that the Solo II National
Championships will meet each and every competitor's own definition of fun.
Mind readers will survey all Solo II competitors throughout the year and the
SCCA will carefully tailor the program to meet everyone's wants and needs.
In conjunction with this important announcement, the SCCA National Office has
released the following statement:
"The SCCA has finally taken careful note of all of the whining on Team.net
over this past few weeks. We might add, by the way, that it all appears to be
profoundly relevant to autocrossing and the furthering of the sport. We thank
you all, from the bottom of our hearts, for opening our eyes to the
deficiencies we, and life in general, have burdened the Solo community with
for all of these years. We hope to serve each and every person to the best of
their expectations and desires, and to make life completely fair for all
humanity that might ever wish to compete in our events. Certainly, we have
missed the boat so far by not being able to do so."
Gosh, I can't wait to attend next year!!
Todd Cameron, San Diego Region (now I suppose I've just embarrassed all of my
fellow region members)
Didn't go this year because my son started kindergarten, and as much as I
would have loved to go to Nationals, I wouldn't have missed Gary's first week
of school for anything in the world. (I guess I'm just not a dedicated
autocrosser.) Damn, I guess I should have hopped on the Team.net bitching
band wagon about how unfair life is, instead of accepting that things don't
always work out and I can't have everything go my way. What in the hell was I
thinking?
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