Listers,
Are the British really ready to join a Federal Europe? Try
this simple quiz to determine just how European you really
are...
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1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to
buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you
notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be
served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the
queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream,
"Ich leber stomph das bustenholten!"
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2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car
suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake
sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him
know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the
other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his
bonnet shouting, "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
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3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather
attractive looking woman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her
bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour,
together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic
little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive
remarks.
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4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12
o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45
minutes later...
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished
the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
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5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old
and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What
would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of
sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends
to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and
dies....then go to sleep for six hours.
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6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit
peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a
biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come
round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs,
onions and garlic, smoking Gitanes and drinking 48 litres
of wine.
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7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is
the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues,
hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you
have not seen them for twenty years.
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8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly
well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area
of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as
his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden
fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If
he complains, shoot him.
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9. You are walking down the street when you see an old
lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to
fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality
by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper
back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to
work out how much money you've made by selling vastly
overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
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10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you
celebrate. Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year
old Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole'
ole' ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of
the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
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Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered
C to all of the above.
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This is what we want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.
And this is the EU's proposal:
1) Czech salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) Irish girls.
6) Scotish wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.
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Rick Feibusch
Venice, CA
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